WHAT???

Zelda: Should we bring folks up to date?

Zach (loudly): WHAT?

Zelda: Should we tell folks how you’re doing?

Zach: You’re making squeaky sounds but they’re not words.

Zelda: I asked if… 

Zach (interrupting, exasperated): What is your problem? Stop MUMBLING!

Zelda (louder, enunciating with painstaking precision): It’s been a-while since we posted. 

Zach: You don’t have to yell!

Zelda: (slightly softer) Should we let folks know what’s been going on?

Zach: Like I could stop you.

Zelda: How about starting with the midnight trip to the ER.

Zach: I'd rather forget it.

Zelda: We went to bed early, and just before 11:00, you rolled over and said, “I hate to tell you this but I think it’s ER time.” You were in serious pain.

Zach: I doubled up on meds, tried sitting up, tried ice. It just kept getting worse. So yeah, it was ER time.

Zelda: It surprised me. I thought you were getting better. 

Zach: I was. Right up ‘til I wasn’t.

Zelda: On the positive side, they gave you some good IV drugs. 

Zach: Same thing I've been taking. 

Zelda: At first, they gave you half what you usually take, though. 

Zach: I had to ask for more. 

Zelda: And they didn't argue. They just gave it to you. The doc said as a cancer patient, "the book is open to you." You can basically get whatever you want.

Zach: Perks of being stage 4. 

Zelda: I was just glad something worked. Your blood pressure had been 165 over 90-something scary. But it came down pretty quick after you got that second dose. And we got home by 4:00 AM. 

Zach: Hell of a way to spend the night.

Zelda: And now you’re having radiation therapy.

Zach: They’re trying to kill me again.

Zelda: No, just the tumors in your jawbone. They want to keep it from breaking. What’s radiation been like so far?

Zach: Just another week in paradise.

Zelda: At least you didn’t have to get tattoos.

Zach: Nope. Got a Halloween “mask” instead.

Zelda: What was worse, getting the mask made, or wearing it for treatment?

Zach: Both. They molded it onto me—covered my whole head and chest. And they bolt it to the table to align it before they turn on the zapper.

Zelda: Sounds brutal.

Zach:  It’s uncomfortable as hell. Can’t move. Can hardly breathe. And the block they put in my mouth…

Zelda: Looks like a giant hockey puck… 

Zach: Feels like it too. I tried to stick out my lip to make more room when they masked me up. Didn’t work. Just cut my lip.

Zelda: At least the technicians seem nice.

Zach: One is. The other’s pure Nurse Rached.

Zelda: Ken Kesey ref! Well done, you. The radiation hasn’t fried all your brain cells, yet.

Zach: Not yet. But you’ve seen the inside of my lip. I have raw meat for a mouth. Have to drink through a straw. Everything tastes like rubber.

Zelda: How many treatments have you had?

Zach: 6 down, 4 to go.

Zelda: And you got a break last week.

Zach: You call having surgery a break?

Zelda: That’s the next update. Tell the folks at home what you did last week.

Zach: They found a melanoma on my scalp. So they took it out, Mohs style. Now I’ve had the trifecta: Basal, squamous, and melanoma.

Zelda: Thankfully, they got the whole thing out in the first pass. And you’re healing well.

Zach: If you say so. Still hurts like hell. Worse than the last one.

Zelda: Next week, you’ll be back to PT.

Zach: WHAT?

Zelda: You’ll go back to PT—physical therapy next week.

Zach: Sounded like you said “beety.”

Zelda: No. PT.

Zach: It’s like my head is in a bucket. My ears are making swishy airplane noises.

Zelda: Radiation side effect?

Zach: No clue. 

Zelda: Hopefully it’s temporary.

Zach: What is? Life?

Zelda: Haha. No, I hope the hearing loss is temporary. And I said you'll go back to PT next week. Hope it helps.

Zach: It was helping. Felt like I was getting stronger a couple weeks ago. Now I’m back at square 1.

Zelda: Anything positive to report?

Zach: The kids came to visit. It was good seeing them.

Zelda: You cooked–for everyone–and all their quirky diets and tastebuds. You know you didn’t have to do that. 

Zach: I’d rather do that than sit at a restaurant and listen to everyone bitch about not finding anything they can eat.

Zelda: You had 4 frying pans going at once there for a minute. What was your menu again?

Zach: Just your standard surf & turf—Ahi, salmon, ribeye—and roasted potatoes. 

Zelda: Nothing standard about that.

Zach: Wish I could’ve tasted it.

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