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Toast

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Zelda : Not to brag, but I’m lucky. Let me explain. I’ve been with Zach, for more than 35 years. He knows what I need (chocolate), what I fear (cooking), what I love (the outdoors), what I’m good at (solving puzzles), what I suck at (playing guitar). He encourages me to grow at my own pace, recalibrating expectations along he way. Most important, he calls me on my shit, and I do the same for him. And despite my eccentricities, he stays with me, day in, day out. Our lives are impossibly intertwined, and that works for us. At the same time, things like this happen. Zach was making a frittata for a rare afternoon meal. And he told me my job was to make toast. He requested extra butter on his, since he needs the fat. I was thrilled, because we’ve stopped having regular meals, and Zach hasn’t been eating much. This seemed like a big step in the right direction.  I went to the kitchen fully confident I could accomplish the task. Zach went to the living room to get off his feet. I heard ...
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Hanging on & letting go

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It’s late afternoon. Zach’s been sleeping on the living room couch with courtroom reality shows playing on TV. I’m in the kitchen making a salad for my dinner. He pauses the show, then cusses as he pushes himself off the couch. The footrest clicks shut and I hear him take a cautious step. Balance check. A couple minutes later, he’s at the refrigerator refilling his water bottle. He’s been really good about staying hydrated. I decide to check in.  Zelda : So, how you doin’? Zach : [His back is to me, but I’m certain he rolls his eyes.] How you think? Zelda : I don’t know. That’s why I ask. Zach : I’m hangin’. Zelda : Like the kitten in that poster? "Hang in there baby"? Zach : Yeah. Only I’m hangin' from a ledge by my fingernails. My busted up fingernails. Zelda : Sounds exhausting.  Zach : Almost as exhausting as your questions. Zelda : Can I be serious for a minute? Zach : I don’t know, can you?  Zelda : Might be time to let go. Zach : Of the ledge? Zelda : Maybe.  ...
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Hail Mary

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Zelda :  It’s been: 7.5 years since Zach’s initial diagnosis of stage 4 prostate cancer. 16 months since the hormone therapy stopped working. 15 months since his last bike ride. 13 months since his 4th and final Taxotere chemo infusion & the onset of severe peripheral neuropathy. 9 months since he told his mom about his initial diagnosis. 8 months since his last cancer treatment (lutetium [Pluvicto] #3). 6 months since his foot & hernia surgeries. 1 month since his last major fall. 3 days since we got the genetic test results from his latest biopsy.  So let's pick it up right there. The biopsy and genetic test was something of a “hail Mary” — a last-ditch effort to check the new cancer cells for gene mutations. And if they found some, potentially identify treatment options that would take advantage of those mutations. It was a long shot, a desperation play with a slim chance of success, but we had to try. After 2 months of waiting, we finally got the results: No useful...
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Joy at the DMV

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Zach had to renew his driver's license recently. And he had to do it in real life, at our friendly local branch of the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV).  In the past, he'd head down there and take care of it on his own. But this time, I asked if he wanted company, and he said yes. So I tagged along. As you probably know, simple requests can take hours at the DMV. So we packed our patience, charged our phones, went down to the office. We checked in and took a number. Then we checked the monitor. Only 32 numbers ahead of us. If each one took an average of 3 minutes…well, we were glad we packed our patience.  The waiting area had half a dozen long rows of folding chairs, most of them full of sour looks and irritable dispositions. A couple folks were slumped in their seats, possibly asleep, definitely somewhere else. But there were 2 empty seats together in the front row, so we nabbed them and settled in to watch the show. We witnessed the usual misunderstandings:  DMV rep:...
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Limbo

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Zelda : It’s been awhile. Should we bring folks up to date? Zach : Sure. Zelda : How’re you doing? Zach : Peachy.  Zelda : Right. Zach : What do you want me to say? Zelda : You’ve basically been untreated for the past 8 months. No hormone therapy, no radiation, no chemo. Say how you’re feeling. Zach : Frustrated. Bored. Weak. Zelda : What’s frustrating? Zach : Being in limbo. Nothing's happening. Nobody knows what they’re doing. Zelda : For example? Zach : It all stalled this summer—except my PSA. That jumped from 300 to 5000, and nobody gives a shit. They said the “new lesions” were different. Ordered more PET scans. And that CT-guided biopsy bullshit. Zelda : Remind me: Why did they want the biopsy bullshit? Zach : To get more info on the new nasties. See if it makes sense to try something else—radiation, chemo, maybe another hormone pill. Zelda : Right. 'Cause the new tumors are different.  Zach : Yeah, Pluvicto didn’t touch ‘em. Zelda : So you got the biopsy. Zach : And we...
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A weekend apart

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Zelda : As a test, I took a weekend trip to visit family out of state. I hoped the trip would help me decide whether I should take my upcoming international trip or stay home with Zach. Two days before I left, Zach had a CT-guided biopsy of a lesion near his spine. That went well, and he didn’t have much pain or swelling. But the next day, he developed a weird, unrelated, new pain in his neck. He could hardly move. I got him a brace, but it didn’t help much.  I considered cancelling my trip, but he insisted he’d be ok, so I stuck with the plan. We spend all our time together, and convinced myself a weekend apart might be healthy for both of us. But the weekend, and my texts with Zach, were aggressively stressful for me. Here’s a sample: Zelda : Mornin’ sunshine! How’s my lover boy this morning? Zach : Not sure. I just woke up again. There's more fog inside than outside this morning. Zelda : Oh, man – I hope the fog lifts soon. If not, let me know and I’ll drop everything to come ho...
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