Our happiest times

  • Months since last chemo infusion: 22
  • Months since last major fall: 8
  • Weeks since last surgery: 3
  • Days since telling Zach about Berlin: 0

Zelda: [It’s the weekend, and I’ve been holed up in the office room, building my talk for the Berlin conference. I made tentative travel plans, and booked flights through the city where Zach’s family lives. I secretly hoped he might come with me or stay with them while I’m gone. But I still hadn’t told him about the trip. I leave the office room and find him in the kitchen. He’s heating something on the stove and singing along with the Moody Blues.]


Zach: “I'm a melancholy man, that's what I am…”


Zelda: [I wrap my arms around him]


Zach: [Singing to me now] “All the world surrounds me and my feet are underground”


Zelda: Your feet are underground? Smart! Keeps me from stepping on 'em! [He raises his arm to get me to twirl. I turn the wrong way first, giggling as he straightens me out. It’s been awhile since we danced in the kitchen.]


Zach: “...and I think I understand…that we're going…to keep growing, wait and see.” [He twirls me again, and I follow his lead as the song fades out.]


Zelda: Whatcha makin’?


Zach: Beef stew. You’re in charge of salad. A small one.


Zelda: I can do that. [I open the fridge, rummage through the crisper, and pull out the salad stuff.] 


Zach: [Zach goes to flip the record. When he returns, the song, Question, plays in the background, and he has something on his mind. It’s a question of his own.] When was the happiest time of your life? 


Zelda: [I slice a tomato.] Kind of deep for a dinner-prep convo. 


Zach: Blame it on the Moody Blues. How old were you when you were happiest? 


Zelda: Maybe I’m happiest right now.


Zach: Liar. I’d say 47-63. In the prime of life. Physically ok. Few worries.


Zelda: You have worries?


Zach: Ya think?


Zelda: If I had to pick, I guess I’d say from my 30s to 50s. When we were more active. Traveling more. [In hindsight, I should have probed to find out why he’d been thinking about his happiest time in the first place. What else was on his mind? Instead, I saw an opening for my own agenda, and I jumped on it.] Remember when we went to Prague? For that conference?


Zach: Of course. Great trip.


Zelda: There’s another one in Berlin. It’s in September. And I got a talk accepted. Want to go?


Zach: [Without the slightest hesitation:] Nope. 


Zelda: [The band was singing, “But in the grey of the morning, My mind becomes confused, Between the dead and the sleeping, And the road that I must choose…”] You sure? Be way more fun if you were there.


Zach: Not gonna happen.


Zelda: [The chorus crashes in, “Why do we never get an answer, when we're knocking at the door? Because the truth is hard to swallow, that's what the wall of love is for…”] Or you could stay with your family.


Zach: I’d rather stay home.


Zelda: You don’t want to travel with me?


Zach: Don’t think I can. But you should go.


Zelda: [I feel a wave of relief at having told Zach about the conference. But it was followed by stronger waves of sadness, both because he wouldn’t be coming with me, and because we both felt like our happiest times were in the past.]

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