Couch vs. travel

Zelda: When Zach was going through chemo, I worked from home, thanks to an extremely supportive manager and team. So for the past year, Zach and I have been together almost 24/7, at home. Just the two of us. Mostly on the couch. Good thing we kinda like each other…or at least we used to.

Just kidding! We're still madly in love, emphasis on "madly" (lol).

We somehow survived all that togetherness with our relationship and humors mostly intact. Oh, we had our moments. Like when one of us would speak, and the other would say, “What?” for the umpteenth time. And the first one, who’s certain that they spoke loud enough already, repeats what they just said in a tone that’s MUCH LOUDER than necessary and now has an edge of impatience. Maybe you’re familiar?

I know Zach is frustrated with where he’s at physically right now. He still doesn’t feel great, so he spends a lot of his day on the couch in front of TV. He has projects calling his name, but he doesn’t have the energy to get up and do them. And he doesn’t eat much, which leads to conversations like this:

Zelda: Are you sure I can’t get you something to eat?

Zach: For the 10th time, I’m sure. If I want something, I'll get it myself. Stop nagging. 

Zelda: I just want to help.

Zach: You’re not helping. You’re annoying as hell. No wonder your mom gave up and died.

Zelda: Ouch. It’s true, we lost my mom about a year ago, and she did give up. In her last weeks, she pretty much stopped eating, and she told me several times that she wanted to die. And yes, I did try to get her to eat something anyway. But blaming me for her death was out of line. It wasn’t like Zach at all. It was lashing out at the only available target, me. I let it go.

Frustrations aside, Zach is doing better now, nine months post chemo. His peripheral neuropathy is still bad, but it’s been awhile since he’s had a major fall, and I don’t want to treat him like an invalid. So I’ve started going into the office one day a week, which gives each of us some much needed “me” time. I even had an overnight event in a nearby town, and a couple months ago, I visited family out of state for a few days. Zach did fine on his own.

Those were good trips, and normally, Zach might have come with me. Evenings, weekends, and holidays used to be our go, go, go time. Now we just stay, stay, stay, every day. On Mondays, coworkers ask, “How was your weekend?” and I realize that the only time I actually went outside was to take out the trash. Zach and I haven’t even gone out to dinner in more than a year. Date nights are limited to the couch these days. 

But this fall, I have an opportunity to travel internationally. Trips like this only come up once or twice a year, and I’ve declined the last few. Also, it’s not the kind of thing I can think about and decide later. I need to commit now, so that the team can plan. It’s going to be at least 10 days away from home, and there’s no way Zach can come with me this time. 

So, I’m thinking it through, and I have a few concerns:

• Zach is my first priority. Am I being selfish even considering going on this trip? Shouldn’t I be spending as much time as I can with him, even if it’s just sitting on the couch, watching The People’s Court?

• What if I bring back a virus and I pass it on to him?

• What if something happens and he needs help while I’m gone?

Maybe I am being selfish. But here’s the thing: Zach’s health issues have me thinking about my own mortality and fragility. And cognitive decline. I read an article that says it starts in your 40s and 50s. Am I already in a downward spiral? I sometimes feel like the words I want are on the top shelf in my brain and I can’t quite reach them. Is that garden-variety forgetfulness or previews of something worse?

Then there’s slowing down physically. How much longer will I be able to travel? Or do simple things, like run up stairs, go for a hike, or ride my bike without thinking, what if I fall? How long will I be healthy? And what about hearing loss? What about that, huh? 

It’s a little thing, and I hesitate to even bring it up…but recently, I’ve noticed that my thumb and pinky on my right hand are unusually sensitive. They’re starting to click and catch in a weird way. What’s up with that? 

I’m not ready to retire to the couch, so I’m planning to travel this fall. It might actually be healthier for Zach and me to spend some time apart. Yes, 10 days is a long time to be away, but I think we can make it work. Maybe I’ll get a family member to stay with him part of the time, or find someone who can check in on him. And when I get back, I can quarantine myself for a week so I don’t make him sick. That worked when I brought home COVID.