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Memento Mori

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Zelda : I sometimes think of myself as permanent. Other times, everything feels fragile and temporary, including me. “Memento Mori: You must die.” Until then, I just need to show up. I want to show up for Zach and support him as he deals with cancer and the health care system. But sometimes, I don’t know how to help. Last week, for instance, Zach complained about a new pain in his chest. It was near his sternum, and there was actually some palpable swelling in the area. He had no trouble breathing, and no new pain anywhere else. He didn’t want to go to urgent care. But we both wanted to know what was going on. So, with his permission, I called his oncologist’s office, and they agreed to see us that afternoon.  The nurse practitioner asked if Zach had a history of bone fractures, and he said no. But he had several falls last year, and scans showed fractures in his ribs and backbone. I thought he might have forgotten, in the fog of chemo, so I piped up with the details. He shot me a ...
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Couch vs. travel

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Zelda: When Zach was going through chemo, I worked from home, thanks to an extremely supportive manager and team. So for the past year, Zach and I have been together almost 24/7, at home. Just the two of us. Mostly on the couch. Good thing we kinda like each other…or at least we used to. Just kidding! We're still madly in love, emphasis on "madly" (lol). We somehow survived all that togetherness with our relationship and humors mostly intact. Oh, we had our moments. Like when one of us would speak, and the other would say, “What?” for the umpteenth time. And the first one, who’s certain that they spoke loud enough already, repeats what they just said in a tone that’s MUCH LOUDER than necessary and now has an edge of impatience . Maybe you’re familiar? I know Zach is frustrated with where he’s at physically right now. He still doesn’t feel great, so he spends a lot of his day on the couch in front of TV. He has projects calling his name, but he doesn’t have the energy to ...
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Pluvicto 4, 5 & 6

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Zach : Doctors don’t give a shit about me. Zelda : You don’t believe that. Zach : Hell if I don’t.  Zelda : The nurses care. Zach : I said the docs. And they don’t fucking care. To them, I’m just a guinea pig.  Zelda : They’re doing their best to help you. Zach : They don’t care about helping me. They can’t help me. All they care about is research. Zelda : They do care about that. Zach : I want you to make me a T-shirt that says, “GUINEA PIG.” And I wanna wear it to my next Pluvicto.  [ Zelda ]: To be clear, Zach has been frustrated with his care team recently, and he has every right to be. They postponed a video call with his oncologist the morning of the appointment without so much as a phone call. We only found out when we signed in and tried to start the call. Their excuse was that they wanted to give Zach more time to heal after his surgeries. But he was already healed and planning on getting his 4th Pluvicto treatment. He wanted to get it over with and be ready for ...
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Grace

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Zach : I’m having a bad day. And you being all cheerful isn’t helping. Zelda : Being positive isn’t helpful? Zach : No. It’s not. Zelda : 'K. I’ll tone it down. Zach : I just want to be left alone and wallow in self-pity. Zelda : Hello friends. Today I’m putting my energy into giving you an update, and giving Zack room to feel what he wants to feel. That seems like the most graceful thing to do. Grace is on my mind, ‘cause I want to bring more grace to how I handle things with Zach. Sometimes it’s a fine line between being there, or being supportive, and giving a person the space they need to feel angry or frustrated, or just figure things out on their own.  God, if you’re listening, help me find the grace it takes to walk that fine line. I feel like we’re in a grace period right now. Zach is 4 weeks out from foot surgery and 2 weeks out from hernia-repair surgery. Recovery has been painful, but he’s improving. This week, he also had another PET scan and blood draw to find out how ...
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Pluvicto #2 & 3 and another surgery

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Hello friends. Zelda here. I’ll be giving the update this time because Zach is feeling frustrated, and rightly so. He’s been through a lot in the past year. And most of what spews out of his mouth these days isn’t fit to print—it doesn’t match the Zach I know and love. Basically, he’s in a crappy mood and we just need to let him chill. He’ll work it out. He always does. And I do want to fill you in on his Pluvicto treatments. So here goes. When Zach got his first Pluvicto injection, the medical team warned us we might see a spike or “flare” in his PSA (prostate stimulating antigen) numbers. They told us the flare would be a good sign, because it means the cancer cells are dying and being expelled into his bloodstream. But when Zach got his bloodwork before the second injection, his numbers were flat. No flare. The good news: His blood-cell counts and metabolics were all strong. So Zach went ahead and got Pluvicto #2.  It takes a couple hours for us to drive to the hospital, and the...
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Joy

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Weeks since last serious fall: 10 Weeks since last chemo: 25 Zach : Oh, man… Zelda : What, man? Zach : This is soooo fucking good ! Zelda : [ Zach Isn't talking about his dinner (which, by the way, he didn't finish again tonight). He had cooked an amazing fajita stir fry with peppers, onions, and steak. But by the time it was on the plates, it didn’t sound good to him anymore. He said he wasn’t hungry — ”not even a little bit." And then, an hour later, he is sitting next to me on the couch, in front of TV, with a full half gallon of Dryers French Vanilla and a spoon.]  Zelda : I thought you weren’t hungry. Zach : I’m not. But this is sooo good.  Zelda : So you like the ice cream? Zach : [Close to tears] This is The Best Fucking Ice Cream I’ve ever had in my life . I just want to keep eating little spoonfuls of it. [Takes another tiny scoop and closes his eyes.] Zelda : That’s amazing! I haven’t seen you this happy with food in a year. We’ll get you all the ice cream you...
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